I Used to Live Here Once

I Used to Live Here Once – by Jean Rhys

     She was standing by the river looking at the stepping stones and remembering each one. There was the round unsteady stone, the pointed one, the flat one in the middle ‑‑ the safe stone where you could stand and look around. The next wasn’t so safe for when the river was full the water flowed over it and even when it showed dry it was slippery. But after that it was easy and soon she was standing on the other side. (1)

     The road was much wider than it used to be but the work had been done carelessly. The felled trees had not been cleared away and the bushes looked trampled. Yet it was the same road and she walked along feeling extraordinarily happy. (2)

     It was a fine day, a blue day. The only thing was that the sky had a glassy look that she didn’t remember. That was the only word she could think of. Glassy. She turned the corner, saw that what had been the old pave had been taken up, and there too the road was much wider, but it had the same unfinished look. (3)

     She came to the worn stone steps that led up to the house and her heart began to beat. The screw pine was gone, so was the mock summer house called the ajoupa, but the clove tree was still there and at the top of the steps the rough lawn stretched away, just as she remembered it. She stopped and looked towards the house that had been added to and painted white. It was strange to see a car standing in front of it. (4)

      There were two children under the big mango tree, a boy and a little girl, and she waved to them and called ‘Hello’, but they didn’t answer her or turn their heads. Very fair children, as Europeans born in the West Indies so often are: as if the white blood is asserting itself against all the odds. (5)

      The grass was yellow in the hot sunlight as she walked towards there. When, she was quite close, she called again, shyly: ‘Hello’. Then, ‘I used to live here once,’ she said.  Still they didn’t answer. When she had said for the third time ‘Hello’ she was quite near them. Her arms went out instinctively with the longing to touch them. It was the boy who turned. His gray eyes looked straight into hers. His expression didn’t change. He said, ‘Hasn’t it gone cold all of a sudden. D’you notice? Let’s go in.’ ‘Yes, let’s,’ said the girl. Her arms fell to her sides as she watched them running across the grass to the house. That was the first time she knew. (6)

Summary and comment

Jean Rhys’s short story  is rich in symbolism. So rich that everyone of us could suggest a different interpretation of the text. That’s the great thing about literature anyway, the possibility for the reader to feel the story as if it were written just for him/her.

The content of text may be summarized as the description of a journey: the main character, a woman whose name is not revealed, is represented  in constant movement. She walks through a place she used to live in, a place that time has changed a lot. She notices every detail , every little thing different from what she remembers of that place, and her memory is strong, because she can recall the features of every stone while crossing the river.

It’s a ‘fine day’, a ‘blue day’, but the sky is ‘glassy’. The adjective is the first hint the reader encounters in his/her reading that suggests a supernatural dimension. Soon afterwards, the woman tries to interact with the environment that she knows so well, but the children under the mango tree aren’t able to hear her voice.

Then she calls ‘hello’ again. And again. But even when she is quite near them, they don’t feel her presence. Instead, they feel a sensation of cold, and they decide to return inside the house.

‘That was the first time she knew’. To have become an alien to that place. In the sense that the physical world no longer belongs to her. She realizes that  the journey she has just made is an after-life journey: she is probably dead.


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